“When an idea thinks it has found somebody – say, you – who might be able to bring it into the world, the idea will pay you a visit” – Liz Gilbert, “Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear”
I love this notion; that ideas and inspiration exist in their own right, separate from the limitations of our human consciousness. What’s more, that they are looking for the ‘right’ person to pair with (not unlike us, their human counterparts). According to this theory, we simply need to open our hearts and minds, to receive inspiration when it strikes.
I cannot say my idea to become a coach struck me like a bolt of lightning. It dawned on me slowly, over the course of a few years. But the idea of becoming a Mindset Coach specifically for women… now I’d say THAT was the result of a visit from inspiration.
You see, a few years ago, I reached a point where I had lost enthusiasm for my work and my general zest for life. As a naturally bubbly and typically glass-half-full kinda gal, this was more than puzzling – it was mind-boggling. I started to worry that something was very wrong with me, and my nearest and dearest were more than a little concerned, too.
After some deep soul searching, which included some difficult reflective work with an amazing counsellor we’ll call Mary, I realised a combination of factors had led to my feeling this way. Firstly, I’d faced a number of difficult life experiences that I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to process properly. Secondly, my heart had been telling me where my passion and strengths lay, but I had been listening exclusively to my head.
To cut a very long story short, during my younger years, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to be in a job where I could positively change the world. This led me to study Sociology and Anthropology at university, and the decision to become an academic. After a very difficult Honours year, however, I decided to put my study on hold and join the workforce for a while. This is when I began to lose touch with that strong sense of purpose.
I worked directly with young people and thoroughly enjoyed this part of my job. However, I lost myself (and no small amount of perspective) in the details of my work, due to the unmet needs which developed as a consequence of the challenging life experiences alluded to above. I started to over-identify with my workplace and the people in it. When things were going well, I felt great, but when they weren’t, I took it personally and made it my problem to ‘fix’. I couldn’t see that then, of course. If I had, things would have turned out differently.
It was over dinner with a friend, just over four years later, while discussing the pressures of being a twenty-something woman in this day and age that inspiration struck, and it struck hard. I barelled through the front door (much to the suprise of my then flat mates), found a huge roll of paper and a pen, and let the ideas for a new research project about women’s ideas of ‘success’ spill out. (If you read “Big Magic”, and I suggest you do, you’ll understand that this was a real “Ruth Stone” moment for me).
In hindsight, this was a turning point for me and my life. Not only because I’d finally found a research topic I could really sink my teeth into (it took years for this inspiration to hit), but because the research process and findings altered my mindset around success so significantly that I was changed forever (but that story warrants another post).
Because I didn’t want to halt the progress of my career (which is a perfect example of the pressure I was feeling as a twenty-something woman to progress in my life, no matter the cost), I decided to take on a Masters degree part-time while I continued working full time. Some significant changes at work then thrust me into a position of leadership, with more than my fair share of work as well as my research to undertake. At the time, I didn’t think I had much choice but to put my head down and go hard. But if I’m really honest with myself, I think I relished the idea of proving myself awesome at everything.
Ha! (Note: This is more of an ironic, humourless, ain’t-hindsight-a-‘joy‘ type of bark than a hearty giggle).
Unfortunately for me, I lacked the emotional intelligence and maturity to set healthy boundaries around what I could realistically achieve, and the skill to communicate effectively (despite ardent efforts) that myself and the team were struggling. So, as a ‘Type A’ perfectionist with this deep-seated need to prove myself, I powered on – even on days when I was so tired I genuinely thought I wouldn’t be able to get out of the car.
Around six months later (which honestly felt more like six weeks), I had developed (read: “given myself”) an auto-immune disease and was suffering from migraines, arm and leg tremors, and extreme fatigue – among many other awful and debilitating symptoms. At some points I was so stressed I lost my vision, literally seeing white.
In sum, I had unnecessarily assumed responsibility for the challenging situation at work (having felt this was my ‘duty’ and thinking I was some kind of unsung superwoman), but hadn’t acknowledged my own limits or communicated my need for support to the right people in the right way. The result was complete and utter mental and physical burn out. I was a hollowed-out version of my former jolly self.
Now, I don’t want to imply that the responsibility for this situation rests entirely on my shoulders, as others did – or more accurately, didn’t – play an important role. I also acknowledge that it takes time and experience to develop the kind of self-knowledge and coping strategies you’d need to navigate this situation more successfully. But sometimes I can’t help wishing I’d had that knowing – and learned those strategies – beforehand, so my current and future life decisions wouldn’t be based, at least in part, around this invisible but limiting illness.
It was during one of these reflective moments that inspiration dropped in to see me – again. I realised that I had all the right tools to make something GOOD out of what was a character-building but otherwise awful situation. With my passion for coaching, direct and indirect personal experiences with ill-health and mental illness, extensive training in emotional intelligence, and wonderfully rich research findings, I could help other women employ strategies to master their mindset and live healthier, more peaceful and more meaningful lives!
I could support them to do this on their OWN terms by encouraging them to think critically about where their ideas of success have come from; identifying the ones that align with their values and dismissing or minimising the ones that don’t! I could help them set clear goals based on these values, and develop their skills so they can take focused action towards achieving them! And most importantly, through doing all of this – I could help them build their self-belief, self-esteem and self-confidence, so they are empowered to take on the world and live the way THEY want – rather than feeling overwhelmed and out of sync – trying to live the way others want!
Even now, as I write that, I relive that moment of inspiration when my heart was thudding, my chest was tightening, and I could feel the blood coursing through my veins. I always do.
There is mixed opinion as to whether it’s possible for people to find their ‘life purpose’. For a long time, I doubted the possibility myself. But inspiration clearly had its own agenda for me, and now I can say *hand on heart* that THIS is key part of my overall purpose.
Helping women ‘flip the narrative’ by mastering their mindset feels like a mission I was given…
And it’s one I’ve chosen to accept.
If you are interested in working with me to flip the narrative(s) that shape your mindset or that of your organisation, I offer personalized coaching and mentoring services, emotional and social intelligence professional development workshops, and speak at conferences and events.
Email alyshabentley@mindsetcoaching.co.nz for an obligation-free chat to discuss your needs.
I look forward to working with you!
Flipping the Narrative 
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