What the World Doesn’t Understand About ‘Success’

How many times have you read an article or watched a video that describes someone as “successful” in the last couple of months? Chances are, this messaging has shaped your impression of what success ‘should’ look like to some extent.  The most important question, then – for the purposes of this post at least – is whether you have taken the time to consider what success actually means to you?

I ask you this because it’s a question I asked myself in December 2013, and one that changed my life.

In my previous post – if you recall, I described how inspiration visited me over dinner with a friend, when we were reflecting on the huge sense of pressure we felt to be in a healthy relationship, progressing in our careers, and buying a house. We spoke about how our teen-aged selves assumed we would have “ticked these things of the list” by now (our mid-twenties), because that’s what our families, friends, teachers, books and movies implied we ‘should’ do.

This led to a few moments of quiet introspection, and feelings of self-doubt sunk in. I remember wondering if I was ever going to find “the right guy” for me (because others seemed perfectly capable of it); if I should be further ahead in my career already (because others seemed perfectly capable of it); and if I was spending too much money on smashed avocado brunch to save for a house deposit (because – you guessed it! – others seemed perfectly capable of it).

When my friend and I did resume our conversation and realised we had been thinking the very same things, I started to wonder how many other women were experiencing this sense of failure, also having bought into this societal ‘story’ of success.

And ZAP! Inspiration struck! In that moment I knew I had found the research topic I’d spent four years waiting for.

Two and half years later, I emerged not only with a Masters degree but a distinctly different outlook on life.

In speaking to a number of women about their life experiences and notions of success, I learned some staggering truths about myself and the way society shapes our values.

Foremost among these was that there is no one definition of ‘success’, therefore there is no ‘way’ to be successful.

I already understood this on a logical level, of course, but I can’t say I knew this in my heart. This is because I unconsciously believed in and was chasing that ‘successful’ lifestyle ‘society’ had encouraged me to pursue. What’s worse, I was judging myself as failing-at-life by this standard!

Doing this research helped me truly understand that ‘success’ is a constantly evolving concept, influenced by time, circumstance, experience and perspective – on both a personal and societal level. In other words, what we deem ‘successful’ during one snapshot of our lives can differ significantly from another.

For example, what is happening in our wider community at any given time can impact on our social and economic circumstances > which can play a large part in shaping our mindset (that is, how we view and behave in the world) > which can influence what (or who) we think is important, in turn.

And because everyone’s life experience is different – a bit like a thumb print or a leopard’s spots, their definition of success is likely to differ when you really get down it.

Contrary to what is implied every day in our social circles and the media, then… there is no one standard of success.

So how can we logically judge ourselves and eachother as being (or not being) ‘successful’?

Surely success is something we have the right and privilege to define for ourselves, based on this rich and distinctive experience we gain as individuals?

Surely what we value should be the benchmark for our personal standards of success?

For some of you, I’m sure, this does not seem revelationary – but for others who are feeling the pressure to ‘have and do it all’ and ‘be everything to everyone’, the idea that you can define success in your own terms and live your life by your own standards might just blow your mind – as it blew it mine.

And if or when you do feel the need to *boop yourself on the butt* to get going in life, at least you know you can do it with a yardstick of your own damned definition and design.

If you are interested in working with me to flip the narrative(s) that shape your mindset or that of your organisation, I offer Personalized Coaching and Mentoring services, Professional Development Workshops, and speak at conferences and events. 

Email alyshabentley@mindsetcoaching.co.nz for an obligation-free chat to discuss your needs.

I look forward to working with you!